1 Year Without Drinking Alcohol

I’ve just completed my first year completely free from any alcohol ingestion.

I somehow do not feel as proud to say this as I thought I would. It’s actually humbling, bringer of humility. It’s not that I don’t want to drink, it’s that I feel I cant. I am scared for my Life, literally.

I am so grateful to have this year. I hadbirthday_dog doubted myself many times on my ability to remain alcohol free. And then I had this dream last year. And it was frightening enough, real enough, possible enough to convince me my next drink could and would be catastrophic for the personal safety of myself and others.

And so I’m here, 1 year later, somehow not having drank. Amazed and thankful at the grace that has brought me to today in this way.

I thought I would be full of gusto and pride at this 1year mark. Instead, I am humbled…there is no vanquished foe. I am choosing not to battle. I am choosing not to gamble.

I have fought with the entity before, a larger-than monster that I introduce to the Sword of Imbibing. Sometimes I would walk or run or stumble away feeling victorious. I faced it and showed my ability and had a good time and still had Life and limbs. Sometimes I would come out of the battle with an injured dignity, or injured relationships; the entity knows how to inflict injury. So far everything has been salvageable.

Now, it is not me galloping into the arena, jumping off the horse with sword aimed at the entity. No. I do not want to gamble here anymore with Life and death.

I lay the sword down, and walk around the entity, leaving it to look at me as I walk. I don’t know how long it looks, or what it does after, because as I walk around it…

I look away.

Help me, to remain sober and free of alcohol.

Thank you

“This young woman knew that she would die in the next few days. But when I talked to her she was cheerful in spite of this knowledge. ‘I am grateful that fate has hit me so hard,’ she told me. ‘In my former life I was spoiled and did not take spiritual accomplishments seriously.’ Pointing through the window of the hut, she said, ‘This tree here is the only friend I have in my loneliness.’ Through that window she could see just one branch of a chestnut tree, and on the branch were two blossoms. ‘I often talk to this tree,’ she said to me. I was startled and didn’t quite know how to take her words. Was she delirious? Did she have occasional hallucinations? Anxiously I asked her if the tree replied. ‘Yes.’ What did it say to her? She answered, ‘It said to me, “I am here–I am here–I am life, eternal life.” ‘ ”

-Viktor E. Frankl Man’s Search for Meaning