Had a tough time today with alcohol. So very glad I didn’t drink. Was at lunch with two coworker friends , even the bartender was drinking hard liquor at lunchtime. It was cozy in there, I felt like I was missing out by not drinking with them.

Then at the end of the work day most of the office had a game of poker and just about everybody was drinking. I don’t know why, but after a while I had the thought that I really wanted to drink, and that maybe I could be ok with one drink or so. Thankfully I am  blessed that I didn’t drink. The strongest urge lasted only a moment or two, but it is scary to think that I considered it for a moment.

I have two and a half years without drinking. And I am still having frightening times of desire. I am scared to want to drink. I am scared to be fooled into thinking that I can have only a little and things will be perfectly fine.

The reality is the next time I choose to drink, I feel that myself or someone else could die. That is how serious alcohol affects me. How innocent and controllable one voluntary swig seems, but that one swig is a switch to open the floodgates of destruction.

With alcohol I don’t ever know how much destruction I will cause, or to whom.

I cant let that happen.

Please help me to stay clean. Please help me to stay clear and clean from alcohol. Please.

Thank you.

The day could begin so classy, or innocently. Olives and crackers and feta cheese, a high-line party thrown by some big-wig production company.

10 hours later I could end up waking on a subway train seat, articles of mine missing. No recollection of what I’ve done, where I’ve been the last 5 hours. No idea what I have done to whom, and vice versa.

Once the first drop hits the brain, the signal all-of-a-sudden becomes “I can handle this, it’s not that bad. I am in control. I can have another”

Ten drinks later, sloppily stumbling into people and embarrassing myself on the street, incoherently speaking, looking for another place to drink, much more prone to violence…still saying the same thing, “I can handle this, it’s not that bad. I am in control. I can have another”

What I Do Matters

You are always affecting yourself, and your surroundings. Everytime you do, or dont do something, you are directly causing the results you experience.

I’m not in control of my life

You are the decision maker. Whether you like it or not, that’s the deal. All decisions about your life fall ultimately square on your shoulders.

I dont have the right to do what I want to do

Hey, this is your ilfe. Nobody else can live it for you. Not your parents, not your teachers, not your friends, not your kids. Exclusive rights to do what you want, belongs to you. Your life, your rights.

I dont deserve to be happy.

You damn skippy you deserve to be happy. Why not? Why would someone else deserve happiness, and not you? As far as we can tell, every happy person on this planet is still a human being, just like you. They are the same species as you. If they can be happy, so can you. If they have the right, so do you.

I cant change things

Of course you can. People have been changing things throughout recorded human history. People have changed things about themselves, things about others, and things about the world. Society would still be living in caves, building fires every night, if humans couldn’t change. You are the same as everyone else in that respect, you can change things.

I can only do so much

Yes, you can. And you can do even more than that. There is no limit to what you can accomplish. The only limits that exist are the ones you accept. Every “limit” has its answer, its resolution. Its antidote.

The external doesnt necessarily have to directly affect you to be influenced. Like a Full Moon. The Full Moon doesnt physically have to turn people into monsters, or somehow change how they act. People will look at the sky and say “Oh look, it’s a Full Moon tonight, let’s do something crazy!” People do it themselves. And police reports will tell you that crime and wayward behavior generally increase on a Full Moon. But regardless of any direct affects of the moon itself, people will change their own behavior, their own thoughts and actions, solely on the fact that the moon is full, and what that means to them.

Your brain is very much like a lump of clay, where you can actively mold it to be whatever you want. With time and effort, your brain will take the form of anything you can imagine. The brain of a hero, the brain of a writer, the brain of a president…anything you can imagine, you can become. The brain is your tool, your physical tool that creates these realities.

The brain has to work this way, otherwise humans could have never come as far as we have. We needed to adapt and transform ourselves into what was necessary to survive, succeed, and excel/surpass.

When you change your brain, your brain changes you. It changes how you think and how you act. These in turn change your life. To grasp full control, you must be aware of the status of your  brain, how it is being shaped in this moment, and if this coincides with the results you wish to have.

Remember, your brain is modifiable like clay, not permanent like concrete. Every day the brain changes. You might as well learn to use it.