I somehow do not feel as proud to say this as I thought I would. It’s actually humbling, bringer of humility. It’s not that I don’t want to drink, it’s that I feel I cant. I am scared for my Life, literally.
I am so grateful to have this year. I had doubted myself many times on my ability to remain alcohol free. And then I had this dream last year. And it was frightening enough, real enough, possible enough to convince me my next drink could and would be catastrophic for the personal safety of myself and others.
And so I’m here, 1 year later, somehow not having drank. Amazed and thankful at the grace that has brought me to today in this way.
I thought I would be full of gusto and pride at this 1year mark. Instead, I am humbled…there is no vanquished foe. I am choosing not to battle. I am choosing not to gamble.
I have fought with the entity before, a larger-than monster that I introduce to the Sword of Imbibing. Sometimes I would walk or run or stumble away feeling victorious. I faced it and showed my ability and had a good time and still had Life and limbs. Sometimes I would come out of the battle with an injured dignity, or injured relationships; the entity knows how to inflict injury. So far everything has been salvageable.
Now, it is not me galloping into the arena, jumping off the horse with sword aimed at the entity. No. I do not want to gamble here anymore with Life and death.
I lay the sword down, and walk around the entity, leaving it to look at me as I walk. I don’t know how long it looks, or what it does after, because as I walk around it…
I look away.
Help me, to remain sober and free of alcohol.