Trying to do good. Born and raised and living in NYC.
Since the chaos of my move has decreased a bit, I’ve been sad in my new apartment for the last few days. It hit me this morning that I wasn’t letting go of my concept of “home” which has always been in my heart my childhood home that I grew up in. Now that home belongs to another family, and my grandma who always provided that home has passed away a year ago.
I think I have to “invite” this new home to be my home in my heart. Or something. Here is a video with some thoughts on this.
Blessings.
Blessings on you all.
This is the 3rd time I’m moving this year.
The first time was moving my stuff out of my childhood (and parts of my adulthood) home. Quite painful. We had to sell it. Thankfully I had many weeks to do the moving, which meant I had time to process emotionally, and could properly say goodbye. It was difficult.
The second time was a couple of weeks ago, moving from my office to another space where I would have no privacy. This again meant loss of space and having to throw many things out.
Now I’m moving from my rental to my 1st co-op (yay!). But, I’m still throwing things out. This whole thing is difficult, throwing things out. Deciding. Letting go. And moving spaces.
I graduated in May 2021 from NYU Steinhardt School of Education with a Master’s of Higher Education and Student Affairs (woot woot!!!). Because of the pandemic, we didnt actually hold a ceremony till one full year later in May 2022. Now another year later July 2023 I am posting this video from the 2022 celebration of my 2021 graduation 😆
NYU recorded this and sent this clip to me. Great job. Helps me feel super proud 🙂
“What the ego doesn’t try is forgiveness, because that would undermine its very existence. To forgive others for insults, real or imagined, is to weaken the boundary between self and other, to dissolve the sense of separation between subject and object. And thus, with forgiveness, awareness tends to let go of the ego and its insults, and revert instead…[to view] both subject and object equally.”
Ken Wilber, Grace and Grit
Personally I like to distinguish between pain and suffering. I go by an idea I came across which says that pain is inevitable, but suffering arises from resistance to that pain. I really appreciated the following quote, and it is obvious the author is referring to the inevitable aspects of suffering or pain:
“One of the keys to a creative spirituality of suffering has something to do with its inevitability. If life always bring suffering with it, then it need never be sought but merely accepted. Every human life will have a measure of pain in it at different stages of the life process.
An acceptance of suffering gives us all the suffering we need, so to speak. The question is not whether we shall suffer or how much but what our attitude to it will be and what we shall make of it….
The sacrament of the present moment intends to make us aware of the meaningfulness of life and of the presence of God in each moment. It asks us not to look to the past and wish for something that was gone, or to the future to desire something which might never exist. It suggests, instead, that we live in the present moment, whether that moment be wonderful or frightening, and that we find in that moment something important to experience.
Each moment of life is sacramental because it reveals God to us and brings grace with it. Each moment makes us aware of who we are and enters into our life story. Some of these moments may be suffering moments, but these too teach us about the texture and quality of our lives and the nature and character of the universe we inhabit.
We know then that life brings more than enough suffering with it. We need not ever seek suffering for its own sake or inflict it on others. Suffering becomes a creative and contributing life experience when we allow life itself to determine the occasion and the intensity, the moment and the magnitude of the pain.
Every person suffers sooner or later. The poor suffer physical deprivation, but many experience stronger bonds with those they love and fewer illusions about life. The affluent suffer emotional distance from themselves and others, but receive more esteem and comfort. Those whose lives are socially unsuccessful suffer failure in the public order, but may be closer to their families and less infected with greed. The successful suffer stress, endless expectations for better performance and vicious competition, but they gain a sense of satisfaction with themselves and the acclaim of others.”
Anthony T. Padovano, A Celebration of Life
An excerpt about energy practice:
“If you can’t smile in the midst of your practice, you are taking it too seriously. If you can’t feel the ultimate futility of energy practice — after all, your body is going to rot and die in any case — then it is easy to become addicted to the process of perfecting your energies.
You can’t perfect your body, your sex, or your energy. They are all going to have their good days and bad days, until finally they dissolve in death. But you can perfect your trust of love. You can stabilize your practice of feeling through the events and sensations of every moment, so that nothing distracts you from who you really are. You simply remain as you are and always have been, conscious as your eternal and spacious nature, open as love, aware as the radiant being that you are.
You can forget the truth of your unbounded being — and forget that you have forgotten — or you can remember and practice recognizing this moment’s essential openness.”
-David Deida, The Enlightened Sex Manual
My mom told me this one =)
“I was addicted to soap once, now I’m clean.”
It put a smile on my face, I had to share it 🙂 My family, myself included, have suffered from addiction. We are a lot better now, thank God, truly, so, it’s nice to be lighthearted about this, even though we addicts always must remain humble and grateful.
The Door is within.
What the heck does that mean?
I feel like, whatever it is I’m looking for, asking for, wanting…, the access is inside.
It’s not like I need to search and find the door, the “thing”, somewhere out there. Maybe something specific, sure it is physically outside of your body. But as if it does not arrive in your path unless you have opened the door inside you. And that door is arrived as a vibration of your mind, your emotion, your being.
Imagine if you vibrate at certain levels, you actually see different things that exist on those levels. In this case, your own vibration is the door you are looking for to bring that which you want to you.
Now whether or not that thing is a good thing, is a different story, and one I might as well get to here : )
I say, shoot for health. Or meaning.
Beautiful quote from Avatar 2. As I was hearing it in the movie, I was thinking the quote could also be used to describe air / breathing. Here is the original quote:
“The way of water has no beginning and no end. The sea is around you and in you. The sea is your home — before your birth, and after your death. Our hearts beat in the womb of the world, our breath burns in the shadow of the deep. The sea gives, and the sea takes. Water connects all things, life to death, darkness to light.”
-Avatar 2
What is the Answer?
I don’t even know the question.
I know I’m constantly looking for something.
Whatever it is, it’s not going to be found outside.
Even if I’m looking for human interaction / connection, the answer undoubtedly lies in me, or should I say ‘truths’ in me.
In a way, that’s a good thing.
It’s always there. Even if lost, it’s still with me.
Part of it has to do with needing. Needing / feeding from someone…it’s ultimately the direction or path, is through yourself. But, not the ego / character, more so, that door is found inside.
Maybe the reflections on the outside, which is all reflection, helps point us to that door, that way. And by ‘way,’ I mean honor, focus, source.
I don’t think you, nor I, are exclusively the source, but if you are unsatisfied with the outside, consider looking inside.
“If you never let yourself feel sad, how do you ever feel happy?”
-Punky Brewster (episode 1)
I have found this to be true: You cannot selectively numb emotions. You cant just say “I’m going to avoid feeling pain so I can always feel happy” – they come hand-in-hand. Like a flow, flowing through you.
I think the healthiest is when we can allow that flow, even the flow of pain. It is said that suffering is resistance to pain.
So the point here being: perhaps pain is inevitable, and that flow which allows pain is required to also allow happiness. When you restrict the flow, to avoid pain, you cause suffering. Allowing pain is healthy; a pure pain is a cleansing pain, and even may incorporate pure beauty. A stifled, blocked pain can lead to the blocking of other healthy emotions, including happiness.
“You may wonder if the most wonderful moments of your life are already behind you. Or you may think the happiest moment of your life is still to come. But this is the moment we have been waiting for.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
“If you want my opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell: the universe is like a safe to which there is a key. But the key is locked up in the safe.”
–Peter De Vries
Ever looked into someone’s eyes and seen complete understanding? A short talk on the experience of the eyes:
“A Prayer to God,
The Spirit of All the World:
O God, Great Spirit of all the world, whose voice I hear in the winds, and whose breath gives life to all living things, hear me! I am small and weak; I need your strength and wisdom. let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the setting sun. Make my hands respect the things you have made, and make my ears sharp to hear your voice. Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught your people. Let me learn the lesson you have hidden in every leaf and rock. I seek strength, not to be greater than my brothers and sisters, but to fight my greatest enemy: myself. Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes. And when life fades, as the fading sunset, may my spirit come before you without shame.”
(Unfortunately I do not have more detail about the origin of this prayer)
“Unable to perceive the shape of You,
I find You all around me.
Your Presence fills my eyes with your love.
It humbles my heart,
for You are everywhere.”
-from The Shape of Water movie
“we have two separate pleasure systems in our brains, one that has to do with exciting pleasure and one with satisfying pleasure. The exciting system relates to the ‘appetitive’ pleasure that we get imagining something we desire, such as sex or a good meal. Its neurochemistry is largely dopamine-related, and it raises our tension level. The second pleasure system has to do with the satisfaction, or consummatory
pleasure, that attends actually having sex or having that meal, a calming, fulfilling pleasure. Its neurochemistry is based on the release of endorphins, which are related to opiates and give a peaceful, euphoric bliss.”
-Norman Doidge, from: The Brain that Changes Itself
“Luck is the residue of design”
– Predestination (movie)
“The word ‘meaning’ doesn’t have quite the same bite for me as it once did, not quite the same ability to make me unhappy and dissatisfied and restless and searching still. I believe perhaps I am being more compassionate with myself. More gentle with life, with what it is to be human. Part of the move toward wisdom that I was talking to Ken about. But sometimes when I talk to others about changes I believe are happening within I’m not quite certain if it’s true; am I bragging, am I only hoping this is true, am I affirming something I want to be true but which is not yet so? The ring of truth, the feeling that I am actually not pretending, comes more when I begin to write or talk about things that used to bother me as if they still do, but the complaint, the edge, the bitterness simply isn’t there with its old force. I’m not trying to convince anyone of my progress, I’m simply being my old cantankerous self, complaining, self-pitying, going over the same old territory, and yet the complaints are weak, my heart isn’t in them anymore, I feel a bit bored with what I’m saying. That’s when I feel confident that I am indeed moving on, leaving that particular thing behind after so many months or years I’ve lived with it.”
-Treya, Grace and Grit
Referring to Pablo Picasso’s quote “I do not seek. I find” – and how the concept helps me perceive and appreciate the beauty of what is already here, and trying to reduce the ‘chase’.
When I chase certain things, they can be like forms and shapes in a cloud far away – as I get nearer the form disappears and what I thought was there turns out to be an illusion. Instead of chasing / seeking, we can ‘find’ what is here right in front of us, or beside us and around us. Instead of pursuing far away, we can open our senses and experience what we have been brought together with that exist with us right here.
My uncle is about to pass away. He battled many things, one of which is addiction. I love him dearly.
My grandma passed away in late June. She raised me.
There was a challenging, yet beautiful connection between my grandma and my uncle (mom and son). I think they needed each other in some ways.
Love you both. I am glad my heart feels your loss…it will be a way to connect with you.
At a loss for public words.
My heart aches.
Be loved.
The best security we have is in who we decide to be, who our relationships are, and our faith in the higher power.
This winter I realized that I was craving for some things from my past, like video games from my childhood. And I found a way to start playing some again, and it’s been great 🙂
I noticed once, in my very cold apartment, that thinking fondly of things from the past, from my warm past, actually made me feel warm physically and as if I was not alone. It was a beautiful moment and revelation.
Here is a brief online article about how nostalgia has been found to literally reduce mild pain: https://neurosciencenews.com/nostalgia-pain-20114/
And here is a New York Times piece on many benefits of nostalgia which I personally found very surprising: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/26/briefing/nostalgia-oscars-mardi-gras.html
If you don’t have access to the New York Times article you can look at the Wikipedia entry for nostalgia which mentions a lot of the psychological benefits I found surprising: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nostalgia
Cheers to a warm past reaching out to give us comfort, security and hope in the Present.
Allowing / Appreciating versus Pulling / Feeding:
If I find myself energetically feeding on someone, whether feeding through their body or some other way, and I tell myself and get myself to stop, I find that it equates to a change from taking to allowing. And inevitably that allowing transforms into or invites my appreciation.
So that got me thinking: if I did more appreciating of how things turn out and allowing instead of pulling, then I’d be more open to how Life wants to turn out, and I think I would be more aligned with the purpose and meaning of Life, which may be to: be surprised and enjoy it.
Thoughts, reflection on a message from the inner deep. In the midst of self-wallowing about being lonely, single and wanting, a message that came to me again, saying: “What you are looking for is already here.” Not as in I’m going to manifest something. Rather, it is about becoming aware of what is here already.
With Love.
Had a thought that consciousness might not even be an option, and that we may never be able to truly turn it off.
If that is the case, it creates the incentive to get more comfortable with it. To get better at appreciating and enjoying what we are conscious of.
A short radio excerpt: